Opinion: N.J. adoptees, birth parents live a life 'not knowing'

By Linda Stamato

“In all of us there is a hunger, marrow deep, to know our heritage, to know who we are, and where we have come from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning; no matter what our attainments in life, there is the most disquieting loneliness.”— Alex Haley, author of “Roots”

The movie “Philomena” is an account of the story of Anthony Lee and his mother and their lives spent in search of each other. Their story starts in the 1950s, a time when unmarried pregnant women had very few options. Philomena and her son lived in a home for unwed mothers and their children run by Roman Catholic nuns in Roscrea, Ireland. While Ms. Lee did not want to give up her son, she was forced to sign her rights away at the nuns’ insistence. At the age of 3, Anthony was adopted by an American couple.

From that time on, the nuns did not — ever — allow Ms. Lee to know what had become of her son. And they didn’t allow him to know anything about his mother or the truthful circumstances of his adoption.

The film tells enough of their story to help advance the cause of those who are fighting for the right to the same information that Philomena Lee sought for more than 50 years.

Legislators in New Jersey will shortly decide whether to give thousands of accurate birth certificates to their rightful owners, adult adoptees who now have access only to amended certificates; when their adoptions were made final, birth certificates bearing their names and those of their birth parents were sealed by the state. It’s been this way since 1940.

As a result, many adoptees are unable to locate their birth parents and are thus prevented from knowing, at the very least, potentially life-saving information about their family health histories.

Sen. Joseph Vitale (D-Middlesex) is spearheading efforts to revive the legislation in the upcoming session. And Sen. Diane Allen (R-Burlington), a sponsor of earlier legislation, has weighed in passionately:

“It’s a civil rights issue and it’s appalling to me we treat people this poorly. We have made them a separate class, an inferior class, because they were adopted. How absurd is that?”

What so closely resonates between the experience of those seeking access and Philomena Lee’s is the open wound of persistent loss, of not knowing.

From an account in The New York Times:

“Over 50 years, Ms. Lee sent word to the convent in Roscrea every time she moved, just in case Anthony ever came looking for her, and she visited several times pressing for information about him. But to no avail, even though Anthony, renamed Michael Hess, had also been trying to find her and had made his way to Roscrea.…... (He) was repeatedly told that nothing could be done.”

That will continue to be the story in New Jersey, too, as it has been despite decades of trying to change the way things are, if Gov. Christie gets his way. He refused to sign the bill the last time it reached his desk. And it would seem that the Roman Catholic Church continues its efforts to prevent access to information here, just as it did in Ireland.

One need not examine the details of the lives of all those who live “not knowing” to understand, but consider what Anthony’s tale tells us:

“As he was dying in 1995. He requested that his ashes be buried at the convent in case his mother should ever come looking for him.”

In New Jersey, stories reflect the same sadness. Here is one, posted in response to a blog on Nj.com:

“The yearning for information is very difficult to explain to those who are not adopted. ... Luckily for most people, they will never have to wonder what diseases run in their family or wait decades to look into the eyes of someone who actually bears any resemblance to them when they finally have their own children. Most can say the words ‘Thank you for giving me life’ to their parents. Some of us cannot. I would give anything for the opportunity to say those words to my birthmother. As an adoptee given up in the period when few options existed, I realize that there were circumstances that forced pregnant women to give up their children during that era.

Their rights (and their babies’ rights) have never been addressed. We should finally have a climate in New Jersey adoption that allows for the truth and access to information that is rightfully ours.”

How can we fail to provide birth parents access to those who seek them if they wish to be found? How can we condone a practice that denies information regarding their true identities to those who seek to know them?

The Legislature should take immediate action as soon as it reconvenes to end the secrecy and allow adopted children and adults and their birth parents to gain the information they need and want.

http://www.nj.com/times-opinion/index.ssf/2014/01/opinion_adoptees_birth_parents.html

Linda Stamato is co-director of the Center for Negotiation and Conflict Resolution at the Edward J. Bloustein School of Planning and Public Policy at Rutgers University, New Brunswick.